what does grief need?

TW: This piece refers to childhood trauma. The end of this piece makes reference to unexpected death, miscarriage & stillbirth. Please read with care.

In July of last year, I went through an unexpected break up. He decided he wanted kids and I have always known I don’t.

After working so hard for the first 6 months of last year to build a business, a mailing list and an active Instagram, I ghosted. Any email I wrote or piece of content I shared was done from a cocked neck position, slumped on the couch or horizontal from the bed of my van. I did it all begrudgingly as I waited for the heavy haze to lift.

It was unsettling because in the first half of last year I found a way to access a seemingly endless well of creative inspiration but when the grief hit the inspiration dried up with no sign of returning.

Grief needs your energy. Unfortunately, all of it.

I knew what was required of me. I had to sit in the centre of it. I couldn’t force it to be over or numb it like I’d always done before. Talk of being in your body evokes a Venus-like image but mostly it’s just discomfort, pain and uncertainty.

I was exhausted before it even begun. I couldn’t be bothered to go through this process. I felt like I’d been kidnapped, though somehow, I knew this was just a long walk home.